Keeping You as a Backup Option

Cookie-jarring is when someone keeps you interested and emotionally invested while prioritizing other romantic interests — you’re the “cookie in the jar” they’ll reach for if their preferred options don’t work out.

Coined by Erika Ettin

Dating coach Erika Ettin coined the term in late 2017. The metaphor: you’re a treat they know is there, convenient to grab when they want something sweet, but not their main meal.

Signs You’re Being Cookie-Jarred

• Inconsistent communication: Days of silence, then sudden attention bursts
• Last-minute plans: Only hangs out when other plans fall through
• Breadcrumb affection: Just enough flirting/compliments to keep you hooked
• Vague future talk: “We should totally hang out more!” but never commits to dates
• Hot-and-cold cycle: Intense when pursuing you, distant once secured

How It Differs from Benching

Benching: Keeping you warm on the sidelines while actively pursuing others
Cookie-jarring: Storing you away for later, occasional check-ins to ensure availability

Both are manipulative, but cookie-jarring involves even less interaction.

The Backup Plan Psychology

Why people cookie-jar:

1. Fear of missing out — don’t want to lose you but aren’t ready to commit
2. Ego boost — your continued interest validates their desirability
3. Safety net — insurance if primary interests reject them
4. Convenience — minimal effort required to keep you around
5. Emotional unavailability — genuinely not ready for anyone, but don’t want to be alone

Emotional Toll

Being cookie-jarred causes:

• Anxiety — constantly analyzing mixed signals
• False hope — periodic attention reignites belief they’ll commit
• Wasted time — could be dating people actually interested
• Erosion of self-worth — feeling “good enough to keep around, not good enough to choose”

How to Spot It Early

Red flags:

1. They lovebomb initially (intense interest) then vanish
2. They return after ghosting with no acknowledgment
3. They avoid labels (“I’m not looking for anything serious right now”)
4. They check in just when you’re about to move on
5. They resurface during holidays (lonely + nostalgic = cookie jar raid)

Breaking Free

Steps to escape cookie-jarring:

1. Name it: “I feel like I’m a backup option for you.”
2. Set boundaries: “I need consistent communication or I’m out.”
3. Stop being available: Don’t respond immediately or accept last-minute plans
4. Walk away: If behavior doesn’t change in 2-4 weeks, move on

Dating App Era Problem

Cookie-jarring exploded with dating apps because:

• Easy to maintain multiple low-effort connections
• No need to fully ghost (occasional message keeps door open)
• Roster dating normalized keeping options open

Sources

• Thrillist: “Cookie-Jarring Is the Latest Trash Dating Trend” (2017)
• The Independent: “What is cookie-jarring? The modern dating trend you should know about” (2018)
• Psychology Today: “Cookie-Jarring and Other Modern Dating Behaviors” (2019)