#GriefIsNotLinear - Dismantling the Five Stages Myth
Challenging the Kübler-Ross Model
For decades, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) shaped how society understood loss. But by the late 2010s, therapists and grievers pushed back: grief doesn’t follow a checklist.
The Linear Myth’s Harm
Problems with the stages model:
- Implies a “correct” way to grieve with a clear endpoint
- Shames people for “not progressing” or cycling back through emotions
- Suggests acceptance means “moving on” vs. integrating loss
- Originally based on patients facing their own death, not bereaved people
Social Media’s Grief Revolution
Instagram accounts like @refugeingrief (Megan Devine), @grief.speaks (Shelby Forsythia), and @hopeandhealing normalized messy, nonlinear grief:
- Wave metaphor - Grief comes in waves, unpredictable and varied in intensity
- No timeline - You don’t “get over” profound loss; you learn to carry it
- Permission to regress - Feeling okay, then devastated again is normal
- Continuing bonds - Staying connected to the deceased vs. “letting go”
Pandemic Grief (2020-2023)
COVID-19 deaths (7+ million globally) created mass grief amid:
- Isolation - No funerals, deathbed visits, communal mourning
- Disenfranchised grief - Losses not culturally validated (pandemic restrictions, estrangements, pet deaths)
- Ambiguous loss - People on ventilators in liminal state, uncertainty about recovery
- Collective trauma - Entire communities processing loss simultaneously
#GriefIsNotLinear surged as millions experienced grief without precedent.
Types of Grief Explored
Anticipatory grief - Mourning someone still alive (terminal illness, dementia).
Complicated grief - When grief impairs functioning beyond typical timeframes (now called Prolonged Grief Disorder in DSM-5-TR).
Disenfranchised grief - Losses society doesn’t recognize (miscarriage, addiction deaths, ex-partners, estranged family).
Ambiguous loss - Missing persons, dementia patients (“here but not here”).
The “Continuing Bonds” Framework
Researchers Klass, Silverman, and Nickman (1996) challenged “closure” narratives. Healthy grief often includes:
- Talking to the deceased
- Sensing their presence
- Making decisions considering their values
- Celebrating anniversaries/birthdays
This became mainstream through social media grief communities rejecting “move on” pressure.
TikTok’s Grief Content
#GriefTok (2+ billion views) featured:
- Young widows sharing raw emotion (tears mid-grocery shopping)
- Child loss parents explaining triggers (seeing kids same age as their deceased child)
- Delayed grief (people falling apart months/years later)
- Anniversary reactions (birthdays, death dates, holidays)
Cultural Pushback Against Toxic Positivity
Grief communities rejected:
- “Everything happens for a reason”
- “They’re in a better place”
- “At least they’re not suffering”
- Time-based expectations (“You should be over it by now”)
New Models
The Dual Process Model (Stroebe & Schut, 1999):
- Oscillation between loss-oriented (feeling grief) and restoration-oriented (rebuilding life) coping.
- Neither is “better”; healthy grief moves between both.
The Ball in a Box metaphor (viral 2017):
- Grief is a ball in a box with a pain button. Initially the ball is huge, hitting the button constantly. Over time the ball shrinks, but it still hits the button unpredictably—sometimes years later.
Professional Validation
By 2021, grief therapists like David Kessler (Kübler-Ross’s co-author) acknowledged limitations of the stages model, adding a sixth stage: meaning (finding purpose post-loss).