#PeoplePleasing

A behavioral pattern of prioritizing others’ needs/approval at the expense of one’s own well-being.

Fawn Response

In 2018, therapist Pete Walker popularized the “fawn” trauma response (alongside fight, flight, freeze):

• Appeasing others to avoid conflict
• Hyper-awareness of others’ emotions
• Difficulty saying no
• Over-responsibility for others’ feelings

Roots

People-pleasing often stems from:

• Childhood emotional neglect (love was conditional on “being good”)
• Trauma (appeasement kept you safe)
• Anxious attachment style
• Low self-worth (seeking external validation)

Signs

• Saying yes when you mean no
• Over-apologizing
• Avoiding conflict at all costs
• Resentment building up
• Inability to state preferences
• Chameleon-like (changing personality around different people)

Recovery

• Identify your needs/wants
• Practice saying no
• Tolerate discomfort (people might be disappointed)
• Therapy (especially for trauma/attachment work)

Criticism

Some argue the term pathologizes kindness and empathy. Healthy distinction:

• Kindness: Freely given, doesn’t deplete you
• People-pleasing: Compulsive, driven by fear, exhausting

Resources

• The Disease to Please (Harriet Braiker, 2001)
• Complex PTSD (Pete Walker, 2013)