Overview
Cookie jarring is when someone keeps others as romantic backups—like cookies in a jar for later—while pursuing a primary interest. The term emerged in 2017 dating discourse to describe maintaining minimal contact with past dates or matches “just in case” current relationships fail. The person being cookie jarred receives just enough attention to stay interested but never priority treatment.
Behavior Patterns
Cookie jarrers text sporadically (every few weeks), like social media posts, respond warmly when the jarred person reaches out, but never initiate concrete plans. If their main relationship ends, they suddenly become enthusiastically available. They keep multiple people in jars simultaneously, maximizing options while committing to none.
Emotional Impact
Being cookie jarred creates confusing hope—the person seems interested enough to maintain contact but never available enough to progress. Victims reported feeling like “backup plans” or “placeholders,” experiencing erosion of self-worth from accepting breadcrumbs of attention while being someone’s second choice.
Dating App Economics
Multiple simultaneous connections made cookie jarring easier than ever. Matches could stay in text contact indefinitely without meeting, maintaining entire rosters of potential partners. Bumble’s “expiring matches” feature aimed to prevent jarring by forcing decisions, but users simply rematched later.
Recognition & Response
Dating coaches advised watching for signs: warm texts but vague plans, enthusiasm that disappears for weeks then returns, and conveniently emerging availability after posting single-looking social media. The recommended response was direct communication (“Are you interested in dating or just staying in touch?”) and moving on if answers stayed vague.
Sources
- Cosmopolitan: “Cookie Jarring Is The New Dating Trend” (2017)
- Elite Daily: “I Was Cookie Jarred And It Sucked” (2018)
- Psychology Today: “The Psychology of Backup Partners” (2019)
- Bustle: “How To Know If You’re Being Cookie Jarred” (2017)